8:14 PM — Tuesday, February 6, 2001
From: Jooles Mueller
What a moron I am sometimes. I feel like I have no purpose in life. It drives me crazy. What's the point? I have let this question govern my actions for the last twenty nine years. It is finally time to let go of this nonsensical query. Unraveling like this, I have altered course forever and will hopefully leave this self-doubt behind with my moulting. What does it matter what the purpose is.
I had to intervene this evening. I called her work. I wonder if she will even get this message...
I have no idea
Yes, I was able to find her work and get the number. I finally got a hold of Augustine and he seemed to think she worked at a restaurant in Old Town San Diego. I did some quick research and found one that fit the description.
God I miss her so much. Too much for words anymore. She stole part of me during those few hours and I cannot replace it with friends or drink or time. This silence is driving me crazy! What can it mean? What is she thinking? I must be overreacting, but I cannot silence the yearning. My seams continue to unstitch as the minutes fly by, and turn to hours and days! When will I hear her sweet voice again? This suspense is driving me mad.
But that is all part of being The Underachiever. To underachieve is to see the potential for a situation squandered in your mind when there is no reason to doubt it at all, only to find that life will continue to present you with new options that will equal or better the original. It's all a matter of patience and understanding.
Knowing full well that we embraced these ideas in each other's arms, I question the possibility of our fate, as if I have a choice. But, no I do not have a choice. I have had numerous close friends and distant relations alike tell me I would be mad not to rush off to Paris with this woman, and yet I can only question this notion. This must mean something. And the fact that I have seen this now means something too.